Tastes Like Chicken

Sitting on the couch last night stuffing my face full of candy, I reached a surprising conclusion. There, gripped firmly between my thumb and index finger, was one of the greatest scientific breakthroughs of the 21st century. I’m referring, of course, to Jelly Belly’s gourmet jellybeans. Each hardened sugary piece is carefully crafted to mimic a variety of real life flavors, guaranteed to delight even the most discriminating palate.

Flavors range from the more common Cinnamon and Watermelon, to the highly unusual tastes like Caramel Apple and Jalepeno. I know, I know. Who the heck wants to eat candy that tastes like Caramel Apple? I sure don’t. But they make ‘em. Something I didn’t realize was how incredibly specific many of the flavors are these days. Back when I was a kid, candy came in three flavors: red, yellow, and purple. And we didn’t care. As long as we got our sugar fix we were good. Not today.

Kids these days are trick-or-treating for flavors like Crushed Pineapple and A&W Root Beer. Few people realize their own taste buds are completely capable of distinguishing the difference between the sliced and crushed variations of this wonderful fruit. Especially when the taste has been recreated in the form of a small piece of candy. Nor do they understand that chewing on a generic flavored root beer jellybean (instead of the A&W brand) is absolute torture. In that case, why bother eating them at all?

I have to admit, having all those options to choose from is kind of nice. And since they carry them down at the local dollar store (we are on a strict recession budget), Shannon splurged and bought a couple bags. Unfortunately, paying a mere buck for this candy is apparently not enough to include the flavor chart that’s usually printed on the back of the bag. It’s kind of like eating a potluck dinner, or perhaps a grab bag of fruity (and sometimes vegetably) goodness. So we settled down into a nice little game of name that jellybean.

Grabbing a big handful, I went first. “Mine tastes like a bowl of strawberry ice cream mixed together with hearty vegetable beef stew. Yum. Your turn babe.” I said to my wife hoping she too could experience the three-ring circus of seasonings dancing around my tongue.

It didn’t take us long to discover that while some flavors worked perfectly together (Peanut Butter and Grape Jelly), others were not exactly a match made in heaven (Licorice and Bubble Gum). And without the benefit of that increasingly more valuable flavor chart, we were on our own. Rational thought eventually prevailed and we began eating each miniature candy one at a time. Smart move. My son was up next.

“What does that one taste like honey?” my wife asked Cody as he chewed on a multi-colored jellybean.

“Chicken,” he said without hesitation.

Strange. Then again, why wouldn’t it taste like chicken? Everything else does. As a matter of fact, the company could probably save a boatload of cash making every jellybean in the bag taste that way. How would anybody ever know the difference?

“What flavor do you have honey?” you might ask your significant other.

“I’m not sure. It’s gray, with yellow specks, orange polka dots, and what appear to be bright red zebra-like stripes across one side. But the taste seems strangely familiar. I know. It must be tuna casserole. Either that or chicken.”

“Bingo. Right again. Man, you are really good at this game.”

Now all that’s left is figuring out whether it’s fried, barbecued, or maybe boneless skinless breast for the more health conscious among us. Who knew that even jellybeans taste like chicken? I for one sure didn’t. And apparently, neither does the U.S. military.

Can you imagine the excitement when they realize the potential of these little babies? Hold onto your camos boys, the MRE (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) is about to undergo a major facelift. Sure to lighten the load on those long hikes through enemy territory, the taste combinations are truly unlimited. Thinking of that barbecue back home? No sweat, just combine the Wood Smoke, Pork Butt, and Coleslaw flavors in your mouth. Round out the meal with your choice of Sweet Potato Soufflé, Potato Salad, or Green Bean Casserole. And don’t forget to wash it all down with a nice tall glass of Sweet Tea (add Lemon jellybeans to taste).

In the end though, all jellybeans not only look alike but they taste the same too. We can always still pretend we’re eating those exotic flavors. Unless of course we actually are eating a Chicken flavored Jelly Belly. That would be weird. In that case, I wonder if it would actually taste like a red jellybean. Or maybe purple. I’m kind of over this whole jellybeans that taste like chicken thing anyway. I’m more interested to find out if those brilliant scientific minds can ever figure out how to make chicken taste like a jellybean instead. Now that would be something.